Healing – Chapter 4
By Sienn (2001)
Rating (for chapter): PG-13
Protagonists: Luke/Mara
Category: Angst/Romance
Series: Part II of "Soul's Trial" Trilogy
Time Frame: 26 A.Y. (immediately after "Soul's Trial I: Jedi Dawn")
Spoilers:
See Chapter 1
Disclaimer:
See Chapter 1
Chandrila, Day 3
It was an exceptionally beautiful morning - the sky was clear, with only the smallest cloud, the sea was calm, the wind a warm caress on her face. Everything was so quiet, so peaceful - not even the shrieks of the sea birds could spoil the feeling of complete serenity.
It was as if the planet mirrored exactly Mara Jade Skywalker's state of mind. She had woken early, opening her eyes to a bedroom bathed in the soft light of dawn. It had taken a few seconds until the memories of the past night had come back to her. At first she hadn't known whether to be happy or sad about everything that had transpired between her and her husband. It was a difficult question to answer - this question how she was feeling right now.
Though she knew she had to think thoroughly through all of it, in order to comprehend it and file it away as done, Mara just refused to think of anything at all for quite a while. She was content to just lie there, on her back, her husband snuggled up to her, still sleeping deeply. The feeling of his closeness seemed so wonderful to her - she had known that she had missed him sorely through all this time, but only now, that she could feel his chest rising and falling in regular intervals, did Mara become aware how much of herself she had really lacked during this troubling time of her marriage.
Luke was a part of herself and it wasn't until now, when he lay in her arms, trusting in her completely again, with his soul AND body, that she felt complete. For a couple of hours, she had just stopped thinking at all, relaxing totally, caressing through Luke's hair, noting its unusual roughness. Seawater did that to hair, as she well knew, but it didn't matter. She extended her tender gestures to his bare neck, regretting the fact that he still had his sleeping shirt and pants on.
And, unexpectedly, this simple fact brought her back to the somewhat not appreciated reality. Before Ithor, before the Yuuzhan Vong, Luke had never slept in that much. Having been raised on a desert planet, the carefully acclimatized bedrooms in most buildings tended to be too warm for him. Not that she had ever complained.
At first, she had thought the long time in space, on starships, where it was cold - especially on Yuuzhan Vong ones - had resulted in him being a little more sensitive to this. Now, that he had finally talked to her, had revealed all that had been circling in his head since that damned day she had decided to walk out on him the way she had, Mara could see it as what it was.
A gesture of self-confidence - to hide his body from her. Though everything had been cleared, it was still difficult for her to grasp how they had gotten to this point in the first place. Dimly, she wondered whether she knew Luke that badly that she had completely misjudged his reaction to her words before she had left for Dathomir. She had wanted to make him angry with her, so that he would be able to let her go more easily. For his sake. But the effect she had achieved had been quite the opposite. Instead of being angry with her, Luke had directed all his hard feelings, his disappointment, towards himself. It was difficult for her to understand, yet it seemed completely logical that Luke of all people would do something like this. He was so fast to blame himself for everything.
She should have foreseen this - she should have foreseen that he would look for reasons. The simple statement that she didn't want a child with him had perhaps infuriated him at the very first moment, but being Luke, he had immediately begun to examine WHY she didn't want a child with him.
And that was exactly what Mara should have anticipated. She had claimed to know Luke better than anyone. Even better than Leia or Han, if it came to certain matters. But yet, she had failed to see what exactly she had done to him by uttering those words. Until yesterday night, she hadn't even had the smallest clue that Luke blamed himself - his physical appearance as well as his being.
Han, she thought. Han had known - and had almost told her. She was sure it had been exactly this topic he had been about to spill out on the Falcon, while they had been on their way to rescue Luke. If they had had more time then, she would have wormed it out of him. She would have known how badly Luke's soul had been damaged, would have known how to deal with him. Would have known that an approach like down at the beach would do nothing but scare him and irritate him.
Carefully, so as to not disturb him, she shifted a little bit, taking his right arm with which he encircled her waist and lifting it gently. Fluidly, she wiggled out of his embrace, laying his arm back onto the mattress, smiling when he didn't react in any way. His breathing pattern wasn't interrupted for a single heart beat.
Watching him silently, she settled back against the wall. How could he ever have thought she didn't want him? That she found him ugly? This thought had never occurred to her. Even when she had first met him, all these years ago, this was an adjective she had never related to him. How could she have allowed him to become that ill, mentally? And he was ill. If Mara had had any doubts as to that, they had been vanquished the day before.
Though now, she would be able to REALLY help him. For she finally knew what was wrong, didn't have to indulge in guesses that only served to infuriate her. She was eternally grateful that her initial suspicion, that Elan had dared touch him without his consent, that she had forced him to let her touch him, hadn't been true.
During her days with the Empire and even more so with Talon Karrde, she had seen what this sort of slavery could do to people. It would have destroyed Luke. And if it had destroyed him, it would have destroyed her, too. For she really couldn't picture a life without him.
The lonely days on the Jade Sabre and on Dathomir had been long and painful for her. She had missed him so much - and her conscience had nagged at her. Mara frowned. Rell had felt it. Rell had felt Luke's breakdown, had felt his distress, his hurt and the hate he directed at himself. An old woman that had met Luke only once, and that decades ago, had felt it. His wife, who claimed to be the second half of his soul, had not.
A woman he had last seen seventeen years ago had come to his aid - even if not entirely selflessly motivated, she had still offered him help. Something Mara hadn't done. It was frustrating and almost ironic. She was to blame for most of it and Luke would have every right to do just that. But what did he do? What did her beloved farmboy do? He twisted everything around until he found a way to direct all the guilt straight at himself, tearing himself apart in the process.
Fortunately, she was there to glue him back together. And now that she knew what it was he feared and, most of all, WHY he feared it, there wouldn't be any misunderstandings anymore. There would be no contradictorily behaviour from her part, nothing that would startle him and make him insecure. Nothing that would imply to him that she didn't want him around - physically and mentally.
The only difficulty with the "cure" she was plotting so eagerly was the timing. And that was exactly what was so crucial here. As much as she wanted to just take him into her arms and take his breath away with her kisses, she knew that exactly that would be too much for him.
Oh yes, he knew now that she loved him - in his head. But his soul - his soul was still wounded and the doubt was still there. She only hoped it had already considerably diminished. At least so much that he would accept sleeping in one bed with her again - and this permanently.
It was strange how everything unfolded if she took a look at it now. Especially this bed matter. Mara shivered when she recognised how completely reasonable everything had been from Luke's point of view. He had lain down in the bed, she had "told" him she didn't appreciate it and he had separated it. "Relieving" her from his physical closeness.
She swallowed hard when she thought how profound the damage to his own self must have been after this breakdown, after this war, that his self-esteem could have fallen so deep. A small sigh escaped her, breaking the peaceful silence and waking Luke from his slumber.
She saw him blink, slowly drifting awake and stretching a little bit. She plopped down beside him, kissing his temple softly and whispering: "Good morning, my love." He smiled at her - the most radiant smile she had seen in months. "Morning" he managed to answer, his voice muffled by the pillow in which his face was still half buried.
Mara rested her head on his shoulder, inhaling his scent - it was astonishing how happy those little things could make you if you had missed them for that long a time. "Slept well?" she queried.
"Hmmm." At this rather humble reply, she chuckled quietly. "Wanna stay in bed for a while longer?" Twirling a lock of his hair around her finger, she watched closely as he frowned a little, then pried his eyes open and shook his head. "Nope. I'm a ---"
"Morning person, I know." She grinned, propping herself up on one elbow, bringing her face close to his. He grinned bashfully, his gaze never leaving her eyes. And hers never leaving his lips that seemed very much like homing beacons to her, calling "Kiss me." Even while she contemplated this option, he wrinkled his nose, breaking the eye contact and looking around.
"Smells salty here." That got Mara to laugh. "Well, a swim in the sea tends to have this effect at times. Because of this, one usually showers after it." Not that I mind this smell on you, she added silently. No good to jump him with compliments first thing in the morning.
Luke frowned, recalling exactly why he hadn't showered after this particular swim. Sighing softly, he murmured: "I'm sorry, Mara. Yesterday.. I..." Rolling her eyes, Mara grasped his chin and brought him to look straight at her again. "Don't apologise. You didn't do anything wrong." Luke just stared at her in disbelief: "I made you angry."
Mara shook her head in annoyance and denial: "No, Luke, you didn't make me angry."
"But.."
Leaning her forehead against his, staring directly into his wonderful eyes, she interrupted him: "Luke, believe me, you didn't make me angry. You scared me - I was afraid." She softly caressed his cheek, probing whether it was a gesture too intimate for him.
He accepted it and she was happy, though she saw in his eyes that he didn't understand her completely. "I was afraid that something else had happened while you were.." she hesitated a moment, wondering whether he would mind hearing the dreaded names.
"While I was Elan's familiar," he finished, a small smile playing around his mouth. Giving a gentle nudge in the Force, he assured her: "It's ok. This talk we had…." He let himself fall back onto the mattress, staring at the ceiling, absent-mindedly grasping her hand.
"It was good. I never thought it would feel this good to talk about it with someone. It's as if.. as if I am free now. Really free, you know?" He stared at her, looking for understanding in her eyes.
She smiled: "I know." He smiled back, closing his eyes, breathing deeply. It was so comforting to know that someone understood. Mara laid her head onto his chest, kissing it through the fabric of his shirt, hoping that it was nothing too daring for him at the moment. He seemed not to mind, though Mara found out that it was straining her own self-control quite a lot. His scent, his closeness, the muscles she felt shifting underneath, the rise of his chest - ah, it was torture to know that she had to take it slow. But a very sweet form of torture, she mused.
"Mara?"
"Uh.. yes?" She lifted her head, for a moment fearing she had startled him again, but all she saw in his eyes was curiosity. Now, that didn't fit the situation at all.
"What were you afraid could have happened while I was on the Moota?"
Mara was surprised that he knew the name of Kwaad's ship, but then, there was no way to know what the tizowyrm had taught him. Probably all possible little things with which he could accommodate Elan's wishes. Then the realisation hit her that he hadn't registered her questions at all, in the past afternoon. A frightening thought to think that he had really shut down then. Everything. If he hadn't had this nightmare, perhaps he wouldn't have come out of this state at all.
Feeling Luke's impatience rise, she focused her thoughts again on him. "I.. after how you behaved on the beach.. I was afraid that she had.. exploited the situation, you know." She finally brought out, finding it really difficult to voice her fears into his unassuming face.
To her utter horror, the way his eyes widened shortly and he broke away from her gaze told her that SOMETHING was right about what she had assumed. Fear gripping her heart, she sat up straight, staring down at him. "Luke! Is there something you haven't told me yet?"
He bit his lower lip, staring out the window. Mara rolled on her back, placing herself between him and the window, looking him straight into the eyes. Eyes that held shame. 'Oh no,' she thought. 'Please… please not Luke. If she has done this to him...'
Aloud she said: "You can tell me everything, Luke, you know that. Everything."
For a while, he just replied her stare, then he said softly: "She hasn't done what you're thinking about."
Mara relaxed, releasing a breath she didn't know she had held.
"But has implied that it would be... my duty, if she wished so," he added, his eyes never leaving her face. She had the feeling he was searching for some negative reaction from her - disgust or something. Mara just extended her hand and stroke his cheek.
Luke smiled and continued, his voice more firm. "I can't recall when. I was sleeping - she ordered me to sleep and I did. But she came into the room I was in. She sat down and took my hand and began to tell me what life would be for me and for her. Somewhere on the way, she must have mentioned it. It's all... sort of cloudy when I try to remember," he added in a tiny voice, closing his eyes again and relaxing visibly.
"It's all over. That will never happen," Mara assured softly. He nodded, exhaling a little shakily, but then opening his eyes again and smiling.
"Thank you."
Mara stared at him surprised. "For what?"
Luke sat up, dragging her with him, then completely baffling her by brushing his lips over hers, giving her a soft kiss. "For listening."
She gazed mesmerised into his azure, gorgeous eyes, still rather dumbfounded. She hadn't expected HIM to be the active part in kissing anytime soon. Before she could say a word, though, he turned and rose from the bed.
"I'm in need of a shower," he explained apologetically as he caught up on her regret over the Force bond. She smiled her beautiful smile for him and rose, too. "I'm going to get some breakfast together."
He nodded, then turned and vanished into the bathroom. While he undressed and adjusted the water temperature in the shower, he couldn't help but feel utterly relieved and happy. Mara knew everything now. And she still loved him.
She loved him! It was so wonderful - like a dream had come true. A dream he had thought would stay just that way forever. Something he could never achieve.
He had been wrong and for once it felt so incredibly good to be wrong. Laughing quietly to himself, he leant against the wall of the showering cabin and relished the feel of the warm water.
*~~
Mara hummed quietly to herself, chewing on a little ksava-fruit, when Luke stepped onto the terrace, casting a glance over the wide silver sea. His attention focused on this, Mara had all the time she needed to assess and admire his choice of clothing. Black, yes, not flowing, but close cut and form fitting. Rather nice, she thought, smirking mentally.
"Hungry?" she asked, gesturing towards the bread, fruits and various marmalades arrayed on the table. Luke surveyed the breakfast, then smiled and sat down opposite of her. "Indeed."
Before Mara could stop herself, she blurted out: "Really?"
Luke stared at her baffled, bewilderment obvious in his eyes. "What?" he asked.
Mara blushed slightly: "Well, it's just... you haven't eaten much - nor really regular - for quite a time. I guess I was just surprised."
That seemed to push Luke into a fit of thoughtfulness and for a few minutes, they ate on in silence. She was happy to see that his appetite was back to normal again. That was good, really good. It was amazing how fast something like this could change.
"I... I didn't know whether I wanted to live without you, you know. Everything became kind of... unimportant."
She stared at him for a moment, having been caught off-guard by this. At the same time, she was touched deeply, felt moisture work its way into her eyes. She took his left hand into hers, caressing it with her thumb, smiling at him tentatively. What should she reply to this one? What should she reply when he told her that he couldn't live without her?
"Han and Leia were worried about me. I knew that. Leia..." he paused, squeezing her hand softly, still not daring to lift his head and look into her eyes. "Leia feared I'd do something stupid - hurt myself."
After a few seconds of silence, he finally met her gaze, a most sincere expression in his big, blue eyes. "The thought came to my mind more than once, Mara. I couldn't bear the thought to have lost you - just like that. Just because of... me."
Again, Mara didn't know what to reply, what to answer. But sometimes, gestures were everything that was needed. In the next moment, she threw herself into his arms, onto his lap, and kissed him with all her passion and love. She felt how her own tears mixed up with his and only pressed his lips harder against hers, parting them with her tongue.
Relief flooded her when he pressed her closer to himself and responded to her kiss, his tongue circling hers, nipping at her lips. Mara felt a twinge of anger when he finally broke away, but it subsided as soon as she saw his glittering eyes, the love in them. The love and the hope.
She stroke his lips with her index finger, suppressing a little sob. "I'm sorry. I didn't want that. I really didn't want that."
"You know, Mara," he laughed quietly, kissed her finger and buried his face at her shoulder. "You belong to me - I love you. You're the other half of my soul. You mustn't ever leave me like that again. Promise me that."
She hid her last tears in the mop of his hair, smelling faint traces of his shampoo - and most of all, smelling him. It was the most wonderful thing she had ever smelt.
"I swear," she whispered. For long minutes, they just sat there, Luke holding her securely in his lap, as if he would never want her to go away again and Mara listened as his sobs and her own slowly died down. And with it all the anxiousness that was still left in both of them.
"You know what?" Luke finally murmured into her ear, his breath hot on her skin. "Hmm?" she huffed, still using his head as pillow.
"I'm still hungry."
Mara abandoned her nesting spot, perching an eyebrow and searching his delicate, beautiful features for a sign that he thought the same she did. "Hungry for what?" she asked, sliding her finger seductively down his throat.
He brushed his lips over her chin, his hands grasping her hips - gently lifting her and lowering her onto the floor. "For breakfast. A slow breakfast."
Mara smiled, nodding. "Okay - then we take it slow."
*~~
A few hours later, sitting in a really expensive restaurant in Hanna City, the capital of Chandrila, Mara wondered how she would manage to really take it slow. For the first time in a lifespan as it seemed, she had nothing to worry about. No illness, no war, no nothing.
It gave her the opportunity to really concentrate on the moment, to note everything and everyone, to enjoy what was there.
And it was beautiful here. They had been given a secluded booth, framed with greenery and although they were by far not alone in the restaurant, the other guests were nothing but a slight murmur tuned out by the steady rhythm of the ever-present sea.
The atmosphere was already enough to get Mara's admiration, but what had her totally engrossed was her husband in front of her. She had insisted he choose something really expensive to dress in, the most formal clothing he could find in his drawer, because she wanted to take him out to a really nice place, as she had put it.
And Luke had complied - that had piqued her suspicion, because he really hated formal clothing. It seemed to be a common disease with men - her beloved Jedi Master was no exception.
But he had done it because he had known that it was important to her and that she wanted this to be special. And it had been. They had gone shopping in Hanna City for the most part of the afternoon, buying a few presents for the kids and their family on Coruscant. Then they had walked along the beach promenade, enjoying each other's company and the terrific weather.
They had bantered and joked in a manner that resembled more and more their way of dealing with each other before Ithor and Luke had even laid his arm around her shoulders.
And now they were sitting at their table and the soft light of the lamps created a really romantic setting. Luke's eyes sparkled with a joy and relaxation she had thought him to have lost over all these terrible incidents and already the few hours spent walking in the sun had given his skin a little colour back.
The dark blue, close-cut suit he had chosen flattered his figure and underlined the stunning colour of his eyes. All in all, he looked perfect and Mara had to stop herself from blurting this out at more than one occasion.
She had gotten the hint - a slow approach. As much love as existed between them, their relationship was not back to normal. Luke was not back to normal, though one could say he had reached fifty percent in an amazingly short time.
She would give him whatever more of that he needed. He would show her when he was back to his old self, when they could really take their love to the level it had been on before Ithor.
Smiling, quite happy for the moment, Mara sipped at her wine and enjoyed the discussion with her husband about the most normal things. Life could be wonderful and simple at times.
Now all she needed was a little patience.